Please do not impersonate the actor’s representation of the below character in the film or television version.
WAITING FOR GUFFMAN
Written By Parker Posey
(Deleted scene from Waiting For Guffman Written By Christopher Guest and Eugene Levy)
My name is Libby Mae Brown and this is my monologue. And, um, there’s a bed right here and… windows. (Points to the middle of the room) This is a hospital. The door’s right through here. (The door is apparently right behind the window) Through here. Um, this is the hallway. And um, (Grabs a chair) this is the chair that I sit in. And so, the bed is.. is right there. Um, I’ll be just, you know, looking there. (Grabs her bag) My stuff. (She sits on the stool and looks at her monologue) Oh! I don’t start here. I start back in the hallway.
(She stands in the “hallway,” breathes, puts on her character glasses. She holds her monologue the entire scene. Libby as “Susan” walks up to the “door,” breathes deeply, and uses her foot to simulate knocking. She enters the “room.”)
Billy? It’s Susan. (She sits on the stool and gets a doll from her bag) I was going through my trunk of souvenirs and I found this doll. The doll we used to play with before the war. Before you went insane. You were sitting on that quilt that had at one time kept us warm and it was so worn, Billy, and it smelled of mothballs, which brought back all those memories of those times that we spent in the attic. Locked up. With Muffin (Refers to the doll). And you told us that mother was wrong and we were right. Didn’t you, Muffin? And I took care of you and Billy. But Billy was much more trouble than you, wasn’t he, Muffin? Especially when he got to be bigger than Susan. And made her do things she did NOT want to do. Things that made her sick! And mother pretended she didn’t know, but she did. (Sighs) Well, who’s lying in bed in an insane asylum plugged into a life support system? And who’s wearing fine jewels and expensive clothes? (She takes off her glasses and waves her hair) And whose husband accidently died just recently and left me all his money?
(She puts her glasses in her bag; she stands, walks toward the “bed,” and proceeds to break character)
Oh, this is a, there’s a plug here that hooks up to where he’s breathing and stuff. Um… lemme just take it back. (She sits back on the stool) And whose husband just accidently died and left her all his money? (She walks up to the “bed,” unplugs the “plug” forcefully, and waves her hair) And who’s on top and who’s on bottom, now?? Huh?? Who’s on top and who’s on bottom, now?? (She walks to the “door.”) I’ll see you in Hell, Billy. But at least I’m gonna have some fun before I get there! (She has problems finding the “door,” but then finally opens it and leaves. Comes back to centre stage and announces) Scene.